Read all about it Wow; where to start. A museum in Toledo, Ohio was trying to lend a painting by Goya to the Guggenheim Museum in New York City. It seems to me a sophisticated transport plan would have been in order, but instead they just hired two goofs with a Uhaul to transport the priceless piece. The goofs were spending the night in a Howard Johnson motel and parked the truck in an unlighted, unguarded lot locked with a padlock they got on sale from WalMart (I'm just sayin'). I had heard the Goya was stolen, but I didn't realize the Keystone Cops were transporting the painting. I imagined some elaborate Brinks heist with thieves in black masks rappelling down the side of the armored vehicle and surprising the transporters despite their highly alert efforts. But alas, the thieves needed no such elaborate plan; only a pair of bolt cutters (from WalMart) to pop the cargo latch and sneak off with something they later found to be un-hawkable. I almost feel sorry for those guys... they should ask the Keystone Cops to be reimbursed for their troubles.

So got some more beayoooteeful spam email subjects:

WELL.....
an acclivity
out of faintest need be damned afraid he has handed him,
by discriminate a sequestration;
Earl
Jose
Maryann
quality and refinement for men and ladies
moss-covered one-winged
Feel strong

Maya Angelou, eat your heart out (with "pill to make impotence never again", of course).

Go Stop Junk Mail Who knew there was a way to stop junk mail just like you can stop telemarketing? With the equivilent of a do-not-call list, you can stop direct mail by registering on this site. With an estimated 4 million tons of junk mail thrown away without even being read, this one is a no-brainer--and thank goodness; for people who live in Florida who have no brains, they can still stop this immense waste.

Read all about it Right from the bowels of the Florida county that could not manage to punch a hole next to the candidate they wished to vote for, we have another Broward county Idiot Voter award. One of the same geniuses who couldn't work the punch cards in 1999 seems to have mailed their absentee ballot using a stamp worth over $200,000. The stamp hasn't been authenticated, but there doesn't seem to be any other explanation for a 24 cent stamp. The hawk-eyed County Commissioner spotted the stamp, as he had dabbled in stamp collecting in his youth. In fairness (although I'm not sure fairness is deserved here) the article mentions that since these stamps are so valuable, fakes have been sold on eBay. Maybe this voter got a fake on eBay and decided to use it on his/her absentee ballot. However, you will note that the article further explains the ballot was disqualified for having no name on the envelope, so Idiot Voter might very well have swiped a book of stamps from great grandpa's cherished collection and slapped one of them on the ballot. It all happened in Florida, after all....

Read all about it As a coffee hater because to me it has always tasted like crap, this is validation in the highest form. So all I can say is...do you know where your beans come from? Are you sure your coffee didn't come from cat-like creature poop?

Okay, this is IT. IT! IT I tell you! Weenie guy in the middle handed out "Tony" Awards (weenie guy's name is Tony) last night during the Monday Night Football game. We saw "awards" for "Best Choreography" (WTF!) and "Best Costume" (HUH?! WTF! there ain't no costumes in FOOTBALL! oh, then again, it was a Raider's game and their fans are space aliens in human costumes and sometimes space aliens in space alien costumes) and "Best Actor" (AYFKM?* WTF?! although we were mildly amused Terrell Owens was the winner in this category). Even so...as mildly amusing as this little schtick was, WTF dude, WTF. What's next? Tony Weenie will be talking about how a football fan should do home decorating? Or which china you should use during your next formal Superbowl dinner? In a world of weenie-ness, turning weenier by the day (click -->Here<-- on the wussification of our great Nation), one would think one could count on football as the last bastion of the pure manly man. The place where a woman finds real men who don't squeal like Miss Piggie when they get a paper cut and couldn't give a rats ass about bonzai trees and even better...they don't even know what a bonzai tree is. Tony Weenie is wussifying our last manly stand and we won't stand for it anymore! STOP! One highlight of the Tony Weenie Awards...Tony Weenie offered a Tony Award to his left-side commentator (these guys are so bad I'm not even bothering to remember their names). Whoever that guy is just looked down at the thing (I couldn't even tell what the award object was) and didn't put his hand out to accept it. Tony asked something like "aren't you going to accept your award?" to which left side guy either didn't respond at all or subtly said, "uh, no that's okay"... something like that. Now THAT'S funny. *Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Read all about it While we have set child murderers loose upon our society so that they can murder again (to refresh your memory, click --> Here <-- or --> Here <--), another example of the failure of keeping drugs illegal splashes its ugly face across our headlines. Okay, it's a bit of a stretch to use the fall of this Evangelical Christian man as an argument against criminalized drugs. Then again, is it? After all, here's a pillar of our society, the exemplar extraordinaire of above-par morality and behavior, and he's buying meth (which he didn't inhale, puhleeeze bite me) and diddling a male prostitute (quite good-looking, btw). Isn't this a sign that sending people to prison for using drugs in the privacy of their own homes is just a goddamn waste? That if a person--even a person pursuing a so-called moral life of the highest order--wants to get these drugs not only can they but they will? Aren't our tax dollars better spent keeping murderers in prison forever? Aren't our tax dollars better spent defending and protecting our borders against violent criminals than going after pot smokers? You think that keeping drugs criminalized protects your children? Really? Then how do you explain that we set child murderers free to murder more children while someone carrying a pound of pot has been locked away for life due to federal sentencing guidelines? How do you splain this, Loocy?

Read all about it Another life has been ended violently and far too young by a madman who has maimed and murdered before. A monster was released from prison this past March where he had served 29 years for murdering a 5 year-old boy and seriously injuring his mother by stabbing her too. This monster has struck again. You read that correctly; a 5 year-old child was slaughtered by a monster, his mother nearly murdered, and such a creature was set free upon society again. Predictably, this creature has shattered countless more lives with the murder of a young 16 year-old two weeks ago. Again, you've got it right, you're not going crazy, but I'll repeat it again in case I've lost ya'... A monster was released from prison in March after having murdered a precious 5 year-old boy and nearly murdering his mother, then committed another heinous act of violence and murder within 7 months of his release. After 29 years, the creature's urge to murder and maim had not been eliminated. There is only one logical conclusion; all murderers, all rapists, all child molesters, and all other classifications of violent criminals should be locked away FOREVER. Let them rot in prison. I don't even care if we gas 'em; just lock them up and keep them away from our families. That's the only way to stop this carnage. Terrorism amongst and by our own inhabitants should be ONE STRIKE YOU'RE OUT!

So this year, Monday Night Football went to ESPN. As annoying as John Madden can be, holding his hand up so you can see his Super Bowl rings, endlessly talking about "momentum", and Al Michaels, John's seeming lapdog, eesh, I was happy to learn they would not be the MNF commentators when it went to ESPN. Alas, as Granny always said, be careful what you ask for. The MNF commentating on ESPN this season is worse than bad. It's horrible. The endless drivel about some game that happened 20 years ago...Last night: "Remember that game in 1986?" And for 99% of the people watching, NO, they DON'T remember some random game from 20 years ago. Oh, but it gets much worse... They went on to somehow call the "front line" of some basketball team the "best" front line in basketball. Then, one of the idiots said, "Oh, to segue..." then began speaking about the football game they were supposed to be commenting on in the first place! iGanja properly noted something along the lines of, "You idiot! the segue was your random claptrap on basketball!" Oh, but it gets much worse... At some point, the weenie little guy in the middle of this commentating team with an 80 combined IQ said, do I dare try to remember this verbatim? It was so fucking random I can't even recall what analogy he was making...but it was something like, "It's like Shirley Maclaine in [enter name of some fucking Broadway musical here] on Broadway." Huh? I think he was talking about the Tom Brady, and how reliable he is. But shit man, come ON! There isn't a straight guy outside New York City who wants to hear one lick about Broadway musicals! And to compare one of the best (and hottest and manliest) football players to an old superstitious hag like Shirley Maclaine, WTF!!!!! I was speechless... As much as we tried to fiddle with turning off this speaker, moving the balance, you name it, we could not silence these buffoons and still hear the game so we were stuck. Note to Monday Night Football at ESPN: FIRE THESE GUYS NOW! The games have sucked enough...do we have to hear lame commentary by three ugly guys, too? Pleeeeeze!

CNN has a video news blurb about a twenty year-old Alabama man who sexually assaulted his own mother. Yes, the chuckles could begin if the story wasn't so tragically bizarre. And the bizarro-ness mounts (eh-hem) when you learn, by watching said video blurb, that the attack occurred when said Alabama man entered his mother's trailer and assualted her while she was passed out drunk on the sofa. Okay, to avoid any further stints in Purgatory, Michela is just going to stop right there. Let the comments begin!