From my friend JRule, regarding finding the right woman:

"You want to stay positive, efficient, warm, high confidence, hopeful."

But...

"It's like trying to remain pure of heart while dueling beelzebub."

Beelzebub indeed! When I hear of the hags my poor guy friends are forced to choose between, Beelzebub, Ice Queen, Anger Hangar, I just don't know what to say. But let me give it a shot... MARLA AND MICHELA ARE THE CATCHES OF THE CENTURY!!!!

Read all about it This article describes the push to ban foie gras (as the article notes, French for "fat liver"). The ducks are fed through tubes in large quantities so that their livers enlarge. MWB is opposed to this practice. All the way. But we're opposed to 99.9% of the practices utilized in the animals-as-food production industry, and like one of the interviewees in this story notes, where does it end? I'd like people to stop kosher methods of food slaughter, fur coats, caged chickens, and god only knows what else that goes on behind the closed doors of said food production. But an MWB opinion does not earn our right to mandate that opinion via legislation. Fuh thuh luv 'a gawd, if our opinion translated into reality, here's a sample of how the world would look: - Japanese cars would not be allowed in the left lane (super-cool Infinity SUVs allowed)
- Marijuana use and abuse would be legal, mandatory, even, for the most annoying US Citizens (should we start with Ann Coulter or Hillbilly Clinton?)
- Fat people would not be allowed to buy low-rise jeans
- Writing checks at the grocery store would be a death penalty offense
Any single group, entity, think tank, whatever, shouldn't be able to legislate our lives because god knows what would happen. Now I realize the world changes described by MWB are quite enticing, but some might find them a bit extreme, just as it is extreme to legislate a single food item because a handful of activists don't like the method. Whether it's by suing the hell out of McDonald's for "making" people fat (as though that company had a tube down the fattie's necks like the ducks) or by illegalizing foie gras, the imposition of left-wing or right-wing beliefs is a dangerous, moss-covered slope and we're screamin' down it more all the time.

Read all about it Police have arrested a man believed to have murdered the Civil Engineering student at Clemson University. The headline says it all:

"The suspect...had an extensive sexual criminal record that dates back nearly two decades."

His registered sex offenses include kidnapping and sexual battery with a weapon or force. How many offenses are unregistered because he was never caught for them? Countless more, no doubt. Goddamnit! When are we going to keep these creatures locked up where they belong so they can no longer slaughter innocent human beings while they sleep in their beds? Imagine being the mother and father of this unbelievable woman, and having to live day in and day out for the rest of your life knowing her horrifc final moments at the hands a repeat sexual offender with a history of violence spanning 20 years. Imagine the rage you'd feel....                                                                                           Tiffany Marie Soeurs                                                               1986 - 2006

Read all about it Thanks to Marla for these hillarious hijax...there are just so many ways to mock Floridians when they get a bit mischievous. This story is about two wacky Florida college kids who crawl into a giant balloon filled with helium, and promptly die. MWB will bet a million bucks there was no warning label on the killer balloon, but we suspect they were already too stoned (or stupid) to have understood such a warning label. Regardless, there were certainly a few signs these double-digit IQ drips missed, warning label or not. Hint #1 The balloon was really, really big, and yet it still managed to float mysteriously off the ground by several feet. Note to selves: big balloons that float off the ground are probably not filled with oxygen. Hint #2 Presuming the double digit drips cued in on Hint #1 in the slightest way, then they noticed the really big balloon wasn't filled with oxygen. Note to selves: humans breathe oxygen, not helium. Therefore, being completely surrounded by a gas that is not oxygen, and having no access to said oxygen to breathe, well, that just might be a recipe for your death. Hint #3 If you want to attend college in Florida, you're ill-equipped to be judging how much helium you can inhale and survive, so just skip it altogether. Not even the little bitty balloons tied to the happy birthday cards, k?

Read all about Joe Thanks to Maddox Man for this one...hawk-eyed MWB-er Michela spotted this fab frase in Maddox's email signature.

"The person who cannot find time for exercise must find time for illness." - Joe Loprinzi

As it turns out, Joe Loprinzi is quite a character. He has been a weightlifter since the 1930's, started one of the first weight-lifting classes for women, and a "jogging" club which was first mocked in the 1960's. Michela has a real problem with the word jogging...it sounds like an activity those chicks who lean heavily on their arms on the treadmill while they read cosmo, and burn 50 calories in a 50 minute workout. But this is the 1960's and it was revolutionary. Go Joe!

"Good thing they don't play with bowling balls!"

So says a sub-triple digit IQ'd teen sitting behind me at the baseball game this evening after a foul ball soared over our heads.

"If they did, we'd be dead right now!"

Honey, if they played with bowling balls, all the players would be dead right now. Let's not even talk about that silly wittle topic called "physics" either. It would give her a headache just to pronounce the word...

Read all about it In 1970, Paul Ehrlich told Life magazine:

Population will inevitably and completely outstrip whatever small increases in food supplies we make...The death rate will increase until at least 100-200 million people per year will be starving to death during the next ten years.

I'm no math wiz, but it's been 26 years since the mass starve-off should have begun, and we're all fatter than ever. The UN, WHO, and other nanny-state bureaucracies are calling obesity the world's next epidemic. Huh?? But fear not my independent-minded friends, just like little Carol Ann says in Poltergeist, theeeeyyyy'rrreee baa-aaaack! We're all in imminent danger of starving to death again. Right along with the dire predictions of global warming, nobody goes back and calls the leftist freakshows on their predictions--predictions SOO far off as to be laughable by any estimation. These whackos are clearly no different than the schizoid end-of-the-world Christians, who, by the way, leftists just love to mock. Thou doth protest too much never rang so true. So doubt me all you want about starvation; we're pouring more food down the drains and getting fatter by the day anyway. And global warming just might free up Greenland to farm on again, just like we did 1,000 years ago, further expanding our food production capabilities. You're kidding yourselves, leftist frikiwikis if you think any but the most FUBAR nations will go hungry in this lifetime. And let's face it, how many "Feed the Worlds" later do you need to see that some people are beyond saving--or salvation.

Click here to see all about it MWB rarely posts about just a website, there are 50 trillion of them so commenting on one or two seems a bit futile. But this is a site after Marla and Michela's own hearts! Meet DisgruntledHousewife.com... it's a blog, but has lots of content and very funny commentary. Here's a sample from the editorial about Downey fabric softener (click here to --> read in its entirety):

I've gotten a few angry letters about how someone's Downy Ball released too early and ruined their clothes and it's all my fault. If you're a spaz and don't think you can operate the Downy ball properly, or if your clothes are particularly dainty, don't use it. Either way, it's not my fault, so leave me alone and bitch at Procter & Gamble. Now that I have fancy new washing machine, I don't need to truck with you plebes without built-in fabric softener dispensers, so I can't relate to your (allegedly) faulty Downy Ball plight.

Either Marla or Michela could have written that one, and so don't we just love it!

Read all about it William Hung, the guy whose American Idol audition--performing a rendition of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs" (a laughable song title from gayboy Ricky...unless the "She" is a "He" in the "She" position) was famously re-played, discussed, mocked, and cheered. Two years later he is still getting mileage outta that freakish display...he's just been crowned the Artichoke King in Castroville (you read that right), California. Now, everyone, there's a joke in THAT one for SURE. Let's have 'em!

Read all about it Holy crap. Right on the heels of hearing that Iran is preparing to identify and almost certainly slaughter its Jewish inhabitants, I find this article. The pussy EU says, in its best baby voice: "Oh, big bad United States, we haff to make Iwan happwee. Pweeze sell them some of yor nice bwig pwanes. We need to make Iran happwee and placate them and kiss their big bad boootsies, so pweeze purty pweeze?" Are you fucking kidding me? Do those EU whackadoos run around with daisies more pink thank Fernando's collar shoved way up their bootays all day or just on Tuesdays?