Read all about it Just when you thought your sex life was as bad as it gets, Updike gives you a sex scene that will definitely not give you an up-dick: "...arranging her legs in an M of receptivity, and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows." An "M" of "receptivity"? WTF? "Abject and craven supplicant"? WTF? I can only imagine the frigid, nightmarish scene of copulation this might have been, were these real people. And then there's Marlon Brando's version of sultry sex: "She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike." The "one" drawback of oral sex is no small talk or poetic readings? WTF? Welcome to Guardian Unlimited Books' Bad Sex in Fiction Awards . Let's just say MWB read them all, and couldn't find any reason to argue one of the 'winners' off this list. Read away...and don't worry about reading in a public place. You won't get a noticable woody from these gems.

Read all about it I just can't say it enough; boys chop doll heads off, girls put bandaids on their headless bodys and cover them with blankets to keep 'em warm. Why do we keep thinking or trying to prove men/women think differently. Even liberal government-funded studies prove it. And if seeing a naked guy stripping vs. a naked girl stripping doesn't just seal that fact for ya', well, you're probably a Scientologist and you can't be helped anyway.

Who are these people who insist on using their windshield wiper fluid while they are driving. I realize their cars are so filthy they must use windshield wiper fluid in lieu of a good cleaning (remember folks, we live in SoCali where there has been no rain for months). But while driving? What, you didn't know your windshield was filthy before you pulled out of the driveway? You think since your car is so filthy that the rest of us must have filthy cars too, and therefore do not care that you just spewed Windex all over our cars? 'Scuse me?

Everyone who has any idea who on earth Dr. Laura is and what she stands for has an opinion about her. You either worship her as a lone apostle standing against the self-centered evil of the do-what-you-want-if-it-feels-good society, or you despise her as an artifact of antiquity looking to keep homosexuals and women under the boot of white male patriarchal oppression. On whichever side you fall, it'd be nice if you could pull your opinions out of the black or white side of all your issues and see her for what she is; a person who fights for the good of kids (how terrible), and on occasion, can really offer a major bit of assistance to people in pain. Here is a transcript of a call that just about made me sob: Caller: Dr Laura:

Big BIG kissaroo to Nike Nike is still making petite workout clothes, even though so many Americans neither work out nor buy workout clothes to use in an actual workout. The "Small" in the Addidas line is only a small on a fat farm by our estimate. Thank you Nike for keeping us svelte little creatures on your radar; we buy everything you're shipping tp our local super sleek Nike store.

Read all about it Frequently, the 'medical community' is simply protecting their industry when they restrict medicine from the common person. And frankly, if you wanna cook or kill your baby with an ultrasound, that really should be your problem; the 'medical community' can tell you you're nuts, they can recommend against it, but they shouldn't be allowed to ban you from buying an ultrasound machine. But I have digressed into the everyone-is-responsible-for-their-own-actions land, which is a far, far away place. The real gem in this story is that Tom Cruise is such a maroon he fails to see what a maroon he is with this ultrasound business, and admits it so openly. Ultrasound is a somewhat risky thing for maroonery to be playing with. It can burn you, it can do all sorts of bad things. For cryin' out loud, it sterilizes surgical equipment; imagine what it might do to a baby or its poor little brain. But since Tommy is such a fan of science, let's just leave him to his little science experiments and see what happens, shall we?

Read all about it Just when you thought it was safe to eat those Tijuana street vendor hot dogs, you know, the ones you know have cat meat in them (ever seen a cat on the streets of TJ? hmm?), the cheese made in the bathtub across the street from the nudie bar on Revolucion is unsafe. What's next? Bad eggs from the chickens who wander the toll road just south of Ensenada? Perish this thought...

Pleeeeeeeeze tell me why I must be subjected to such a gawdawful picture to check my yahoo mail. Yes, geekfreeks, I can block images from yahoo. But then I can't see the images on the buttons or many other useful things when I am in yahoo mail. First, we had to stare at the ho-hum brunette for something near 2 years. Now we have a rotating set of pictures, and this picture is one of them. So it's worse, even, because we might get the nice pic of the surfer, or we might get the guy who's ripping his eyeball sockets off his face. Yahoo, I'm 'bout ready to bail to gmail.

Go see all about it Featured in magazines all over the world, these are collars, leashes, luggage tags, and yes, charms for your treasured furry companion. Cats can also revel in the AbFab selections. Charm 'bracelets' for your pooch, charms you can share, we're all over it. Since we love our anti-pets (click here for the anti-dog and anti-cat pix), we'll be looking to expand the ways we absolutely spoil our absolutely fabulous furry friends with these absolutely fabulous accoutrements!

Read all about it I'm rolling on the floor. A 'disaster preparedness consulting firm' whatever the hell that is, who knew there was such a thing, we thought disaster preparedness was comprised of the HR hags running around making sure you have your evacuation plan posted in your cubicle. But anyway, such a thing does exist. Okay, fine. Now, which firm in their right goddamn minds would hire FEMA fool Michael Brown? I can hear the advice to executives now... "Make sure you do not use email as a communication tool during the disaster."