MediaWatchBlog - And you thought your sex life was bad

Monday, December 05, 2005

Read all about it Just when you thought your sex life was as bad as it gets, Updike gives you a sex scene that will definitely not give you an up-dick: "...arranging her legs in an M of receptivity, and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows." An "M" of "receptivity"? WTF? "Abject and craven supplicant"? WTF? I can only imagine the frigid, nightmarish scene of copulation this might have been, were these real people. And then there's Marlon Brando's version of sultry sex: "She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike." The "one" drawback of oral sex is no small talk or poetic readings? WTF? Welcome to Guardian Unlimited Books' Bad Sex in Fiction Awards . Let's just say MWB read them all, and couldn't find any reason to argue one of the 'winners' off this list. Read away...and don't worry about reading in a public place. You won't get a noticable woody from these gems.

Monday, December 05, 2005 8:00:00 AM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Comments [13] -
Word on the street

Monday, December 05, 2005 12:47:47 AM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Drawback? Iâ€™ve found the lack of small talk, and indeed, the impracticality of any talk, to be one of the better aspects of fellatio.

tsls

Tuesday, December 06, 2005 9:45:54 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

tsls - That was pretty damn funny!

Marla

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 11:27:34 AM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

They say if youâ€™re laughing you can relate. The world needs more women like you, Marla. And on that wishful note, I think thatâ€™s enough out of you, womanâ€¦ ;)

tsls

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 11:48:06 AM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Well tsls, you should not only hope for "silence" in a woman, but also hope she can make you a sandwich on her way out.

Marla

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 12:47:44 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Hopefully, a salami sandwich.

tsls

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 1:15:08 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

As long as she keeps her nagging mouth shut making it, right?

Michela

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 1:23:27 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Ideally you would still be in the bedroom, enjoying the "afterglow", while she's in the kitchen making the sandwich. And there's no need for her to tell you it's done, she should just let herself out and leave the sandwich where it is. The sound of the door closing behind her will be your indication the sandwich is ready. Ha, ha, ha, I crack myself up. If I ever become single (not that I want to), I am so getting a guy to do this for me!

Marla

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 1:48:52 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Oh wrong again Marla, if you hear the door close, she's making too much noise. The only noise that should come outta that chick is, well, when she comes. NOT when she leaves.

Michela

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 2:45:28 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Youâ€™re both wrong. First of all, itâ€™s hard to nag with a sore jaw. And she needs to bring me the sandwich, genuflect, put on her veil, and hobble out as quietly as is possible with her bound feet.

tsls

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 4:40:28 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Okay tsls, now you're crossing the line. Bound feet?! What kind of freaky stuff are you in to?!

Marla

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 5:50:55 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Saran wrap, Ted Nugent, yarmulkes, poly-unsaturated vegetable oilsâ€¦the list is extensive. In the interest of both brevity and decorum, it would be best to just tell you what Iâ€™m not into: Other species (just fauna-flora is ok), certain bodily fluids and functions, cross-dressing, and men.

tsls

Friday, December 09, 2005 2:00:34 AM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

Iâ€™ve made many a samich on my way out, and although I made too much noise sometimes, they were damn good samiches. Looking back, I can say that I truly enjoyed making every one of them; Maybe thatâ€™s why they were so good.

scott

Friday, December 09, 2005 9:32:06 AM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)

"She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike."

Friggen Brilliant!!!
That is the best line I have read in a long time. Nope, it doesn't give me a woody... oh wait, yeah it did.

pinko

Comments are closed.