So many people tell me they don't have enough time; for themselves, to cook, to do this, do that. But in the same breath, "Hey, did you see Ugly Betty last night?!" And, heaven help us, "Can you believe [fill in blank] got kicked off American Idol last night? He [she] is the best singer this season!" These people may as well be speaking greek; I've never heard of--never mind seen--Ugly Betty. I couldn't name a single contestant on American Idol, and only a single past winner. I somehow caught Carrie Underwood singing on a stage (was it the Superbowl?) and when I said, who is this chick and why is she singing at this event? She's got the dance moves of a cardboard box and the stage presence of a wax figurine. I was advised she was an American Idol winner. Yes, she could sing, but so can a lot of people; in the video-killed-the-radio-star age, you must also have some shazaam. For that reason, she might be joining Ashley what's-her-face in Not Really A Starville sooner than later... but I digress. Tonight, a rare night when my brain couldn't process another bit or byte, I gelled in front of the TV for precisely 10 minutes, and I caught a show I have heard on the radio is a HUGE hit: Are you smarter than a fifth grader (or something like that). Next time I want to gel 10 minutes in front of the boob tube, feel free to pull all my fingernails off one by one; the pain is less than 10 minutes of standard TV fare. In front of me was a woman--the 'up' contestant--who was wringing her hands over whether or not to "walk away" with her $175,000 winnings, or to answer the question, "How many months in the year have 31 days?" She recited a mnemonic poem several times, and counted the months you recite in the poem (the months with less than 31 days) on her fingers. Finally, she held up four fingers on one hand and one finger on another, and then counted up how many fingers were extended. She then used her fingers to subtract 5 from 12, and still the gnarled knuckles of despair--the four taut knuckles on one hand, and the fist with one finger extended in the other. The tension was palatable (right). "Should I continue? Yes! Yes! I do think 7 is right." After some minutes of this shit, Jeff Foxworthy (our host), says, "We'll give you the right answer... right after this break!" To which the contestant and the audience gasped--nooooo! No more waiting to see if 7 is right!!! Nooooo! We return to the show after our commercial break to learn dear contestant was correct. There are indeed 7 months in the year with 31 days. My chihuahua knew that one. Now we get the next question, and we are told this question is from first grade geography. "What is the only continent that is also a country." Dear contestent starts holding up her hands and naming the seven continents (again with the finger counting). She glosses right over the finger tick of Australia, finishes her list, and declares she doesn't know; they're all countries... "North America is a country..." The host again reminds her she can "walk away" or keep her now $300,000 earnings. He again reminds her it's a first grade geography test question. Ms. Contestant bows out and keeps her $300,000, but not before making me suffer through another round of finger ticks and continent names, still ticking right by Australia without any signs of the fading mental filaments lighting up in that pea brain as it did so. And this is the most popular show on television. Someone please shoot me. Or my TV.