Marla, a Newport Beach-ite and fashion hawk eye asks, what the hell IS it with those jeans? We're with you Marla. After having witnessed a monstrosity walk by me in the mall yesterday, I had to stop and ponder the state of jeans today. While I realize I have yet to share my solution to Mideast Peace on the blog, writing is therapeutic and this assault on my eyes was so profound I may be permanently traumatized if I do not do some therapy. First, the female approaching me was fat. Not chubby, not abdominal muscle challenged, not voluptuous. I have very good friends who probably would call themselves fat (I wouldn't, they're beautiful). But they also wouldn't be caught dead in the freak show ensemble that vaporized my peaceful afternoon. So what was this outfit? Pubic hairline-low Seven for All Mankind jeans, a white belt, tennis shoes, a pink half shirt, 2 to 3 inch white-tipped claws, and a belly-o-blubber that would feed a California to Alaska winter migration. The topper? White stretch mark streaks across the orange self-tanner. "Lady", do you have a mirror? Does it lie to you like the wicked stepmother's mirror mirror on the wall? It is nothing short of an act of magic if she looked at herself in the mirror; because what she saw couldn't be what was or she'd a run to the nearest Clothestime for a $12 change of clothes; any scrap she bought there would be better than the abomination she wore. So back to those Seven jeans. They are a hideous, flat-assed concoction of gay men, and therefore they are made for Mankind. There is no other way to explain the shapeless square form into which curvy women are supposed to pour their hips and asses. However, even flaming homosexuality cannot explain the belief that jeans which look like they were ripped apart during a wild sexual encounter with Edward Scissorhands then repaired with iron on patches and frayed yarn are some sort of fashion statement. Only 200/200 vision comes close, but still, the price tag! Between the flat asses, the visibly hacked fronts, the fact that nearly every 20 year-old is too fat to have anything sitting at the pubic hairline, and that even those who are skinny enough to pull it off look like anorexics failing in recovery, I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone pays top dollar for what should be an ill-conceived fashion flop.